By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
 

Well, you can never have enough low-budget spoofs of "Planet of the Apes," can you?

Hard on the heels of "Play-Mate of the Apes," the New Jersey tale of astronauts who crash-land on a jungle planet with a plentiful supply of leopard-skin bikinis, comes "Planet of the Erotic Ape," the Cincinnati tale of what happens when a mad scientist invents a device that strands him on a jungle planet with a plentiful supply of leopard-skin bikinis.

Yes, it's Lou Vockell, the one-man Cincinnati film industry, back in action with a movie that tests the limits of ape-suit rental contracts by having a whole lot of nekkid women test its fibers, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Lou likes his girls a little on the chunky side, so the lead is taken this time by Jenny Wallace, a strawberry blonde in a string bikini, who falls for the hapless mad-scientist-and-TV-and-VCR-repairman and who appears in a forest glade one day, fiddling with his remote control. She shimmies in a grass skirt long enough to conk him over the head with a wooden club and drag him to the lair of her snitty ape-loving queen, played by Lisa Schneider.

Bill Randolph, as the confused small appliance man, must either satisfy the lusty queen or submit to the traditional Gelding Ceremony, after which he will be unmanned with an oversized garden implement and sent to the Forbidden Zone where all the girlie-boys are kept.

Yes, we've seen the story before, but have we seen it with a gloomy giant ape who's in love with a blow-up party doll? I think not.

Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story. (Yes, this is a real movie.)

For those film scholars who may be reading, I will now enumerate the principal plot departures between "Play-Mate of the Apes" and "Planet of the Erotic Ape":

1) "Play-Mate" has three lesbo astronauts who get stranded among talking apes. "Planet" has one heterosexual geek astronaut who gets stranded with a talking ape and four cave-dwelling lesbians. Slight edge to "Play-Mate."

2) The astro-bimbos in "Play-Mate" sneak off into the woods and canoodle like comatose weasels. The Amazons in "Planet" are strictly group-gropers, coupling in various combinations in caves, on animal-skin mats, under waterfalls, and on every other available surface. Edge to "Planet."

3) "Play-Mate" has an extended outdoor party scene featuring rapping primates. "Planet" has no rapping, but does have an extended jazz orgy. Edge to "Planet."

4) Misty Mundae is the slinky little brunette who stars in "Play-Mate," but she's a little wooden in her sneak-into-the-woods scenes. Jenny Wallace is the amply endowed redhead who stars in "Planet," and she loves her job. Definite edge to "Planet."

Game, match, set. This is the definitive entry in the Lesbian Ape Farce sub-genre. I have one question, though: why is there always one girl in the cast who keeps her bikini top on? Is this some kinda Cincinnati law or something?

Okay, let's take a look at those drive-in totals.

No dead bodies. Fifty-six breasts. Dubbed moaning. Three catfights. Six orgies. Violent party-doll deflation. Gratuitous shower scene. Gratuitous Julie

Strain.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Bill Randolph, the John Waters lookalike who gets imprisoned by ape-loving women, for saying "Yes, I definitely long for that downhome monkey love"; Jenny Wallace, as the belly-dancing love interest in a fig-leaf bikini; Lisa Schneider, as the man-hating queen who says "Let the gelding ceremony begin!"; and Lou Vockell, the writer/director/producer, for doing things the drive-in way.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

To reach Joe Bob, go to www.joebobbriggs.com or email him at JoeBob@upi.com. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221

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